We just completed our Domestic Infant adoption application through the agency we are really wanting to go through. My therapist asked me to put a word to how I am feeling about all of this. A word. Honestly the past three years have been nothing but a roller coaster and putting a single word to anything right now is, well, difficult. So, I told her I was indifferent. I don’t want to get overly excited or my hopes up, or have a plan in my head just to find out that God may have a different one. But, what I am more than anything else is trusting. Trusting the God that gave me life, that gave me Emry, will give me my next baby.
Emry was a month premature so we spent some time in the NICU. We were very blessed having family visit and stay with us during that time. When my sister came, she said a sentence that will always stick with me and will forever make this decision a little easier to swallow. She said “Emry having a sibling is not near as important as her having a mom.” I knew she was right, I had those feelings in my own heart, but hearing her say that out loud gave me a nudge to follow through with the hardest decision I have ever had to make: to be done having babies biologically at 26 years old. I am tearing up just typing that sentence..
When Emry was a month old I had my first nephrology appointment after my delivery. That appointment was pretty heavy and began the line of doctors advising us not to have any more pregnancies. My kidney function was pretty bad. Even delivering Emry didn’t make a difference like we thought it would. My doctor informed us that it would take six months to one year for my kidneys to go back to normal function and if we continue having babies it may result in kidney transplants one day. He couldn’t guarantee that my kidneys would be able to bounce back with each pregnancy we had. He continued to say that I chose these risks because I wanted a family and now I was basically living with the consequences. Like I said, a pretty heavy appointment!
Through a lot of reflection, talks with God, and painful talks with Chase, we knew we had to agree with the doctors. We knew my sister was right. We knew me being alive and healthy was ultimately more important than me being able to birth Emry’s siblings.
So, here I am about three years later. Having feelings of the beginning stages of adoption being indifferent and trusting. Knowing this is the right thing for my family, the wise decision, the obedient thing to do with what I know the Lord has told me, and a process that I have no choice but to believe God for every inch of the way.