New Year’s resolutions really don’t stick with me. I have a list of things to change, make better or don’t do and frankly it gets a tad overwhelming. Before I know it, it’s a new year and nothing has changed! So, a few years ago, I started choosing a word. One word. One word that I was going to focus on, strive to be more like, trust God for, or pursue. Just one. And I can honestly say, it works.
It’s the end of January and I have had the hardest time finding my word for this year so far. I’ve prayed, I’ve waited, waited some more, and not focused so hard on it hoping it would just come to me! So far, I’ve gotten nowhere! Until Monday night.
The past ten days have been hard mentally and I truly have had no idea why. Yes, Emry turned three, which normally would have hit me pretty hard, but I can honestly say I had a blast. I made the choice to celebrate her life this year and not try to hold onto it too tightly and be sad for how fast it’s flying by. Growth for sure. But nonetheless, the images kept appearing. I would wake up several times (almost every night), from this same dream of losing Emry. I either couldn’t run fast enough, or catch her, or find her at all. The same situation for a straight ten days now, all ending with losing her. I’ve been pretty confused about these dreams, some even happening while I’m wide awake and I have to reel myself back into reality. I opened up with this Monday night in therapy because I was at a loss. I didn’t feel like I was actually losing her. Yes, her life is flying by, and these years are going…so fast I wish I had a magic STOP or PAUSE button, but I knew it wasn’t that.
There are a lot of emotions going on right now with this process. I wouldn’t be ‘raw’ like I promised I would be in this blog if I acted like I am at full peace. Really not even close. The more “real” adoption becomes, the more I feel the reality of no more biological babies. It’s been a fact, a truth, for three years now, but now it feels real. Also, the more real adoption becomes, the more I realize how much control I don’t have. I can’t pick the birth mom, where the baby will come from, and when we will get them. It’s a huge waiting game really.
It became pretty clear while I was discussing all of this in therapy, that my dreams are coming from the place of feeling like I have no control over this process. I know this is what we are suppose to be doing as a family, but it is so easy to become overwhelmed by it all. The truth of God’s word, sermons, and worship music is what I rely on heavily to help pull me out of the funks I can get in.
T.D. Jakes said, “The enemy comes to break the rhythm. He can’t stop God from gifting you, calling you, blessing you, the only way he can sabotage you is to get you to break the rhythm.” (A big thanks to my brother in law for telling me to listen to that!) I have felt the call of adoption as strongly as I felt the miracle of Emry when I saw her for the first time. Something you can’t put words to. It’s a feeling, a trust… faith. And the enemy wants nothing more than to shake you, to throw you off your rhythm of purpose, your rhythm of obedience and calling. He will fill your mind with any form of nonsense just so you start doubting what you heard, doubting your direction, and ultimately, doubting GOD. By prayer and alone time with Jesus, we will be able to recognize the lies of the enemy and prayerfully, they won’t get a foothold in our minds.
We are 24 days into this month, and I finally have my word. I am surrendering all control to the only one who knows what this year will bring. To the one who loves me more than I could ever love myself. To the one who gave me Emry, and who already has my other babies named.
Surrender is painful. Especially if you like to have control. But I believe the less control we have and the more control we give to God, the more beautiful our story becomes because we know without a doubt that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. When you are in God’s will, every single thing that comes in your life is for a reason. Hard, scary, painful, confusing, crushing, joyful, miraculous, happy….. all for a reason because you trusted the only one that deserves your full surrender.
So, I challenge you. If you haven’t already chosen a word or verse for the year yet to do so! I am believing surrendering the control I want to have in this situation will give me peace that can only come from Jesus.