SO very excited to announce that our Home Study part of our adoption is done! Last week we had our home inspection and two days worth of interviews. It is such a relief to be past that step. If you have been through this, you know what I mean!
The first day, our case worker began with our inspection. Then she interviewed us together and then we did individual interviews. My nerves were pretty shot that morning leading up to this, because I had no idea what kind of questions were going to be asked- I just knew it would be a lot of them! Kindly, Chase went first and it gave me some time to breathe. I wasn’t allowed to be in the same room as him while he answered. That turned out to be exactly what I needed because I shut myself in our room, cranked worship music, read scripture and journaled.
Something very healing and helpful I learned in therapy was a 3 minute exercise. You set a timer for 3 minutes and write down every single thought racing in your mind. If you look at your shoe while writing, you even write “shoe.” It is literally everything you’re thinking in 3 minutes. When the timer goes off, you go through each one and label them either ‘truth’ or ‘lie’. Mindfulness is the goal here.
I wrote down my thoughts, went through each one recognizing which ones were completely untrue. My thoughts pretty much summed up into carrying unnecessary pressure and having a fear of messing this part up. I knew they would ask about my time in therapy, and the root of why we have come to this place of adoption and it was weighing on me. Our case worker said every family has been on a journey that has led them to this place, and that she was eager to hear ours. It ended up being really beautiful being so transparent about our story. She said, “most people will go their entire lives not going through what you two have at this age.” I smiled with a touch of laughter and replied, “…hence therapy.” She was so kind listening and I felt another level of healing believing that this was God’s Plan A all along.
The Lord really got my attention while I was writing down my thoughts. I do not have the power to mess something up that he began. I started writing my prayer, the words I really felt he put on my soul during that alone time. My heart is to share this vulnerable time with you in hopes that when you get so overwhelmed, anxious, feel lost or like you will break with the weight of pressure on you, you will remember that God is bigger than it all and does not want you doing any of it alone.
“God, you are bigger than trauma. You are bigger than an agency. You are bigger than any questions I will be given and any answer I have to give. You are bigger than my nerves. You are bigger than the deepest pain my heart has. You are bigger than the deepest fear. You created me. You know me. YOU are the one who put these desires in my heart for adoption. You made it so crystal clear that Chase was the one. We have such purpose together. Such promise. I can rest in peace knowing you are the orchestrator of it all. You have a reckless love for me. You gave your only son to have relationship with me, to free me. You desire for my hearts desires to come true. Perfect love casts out all fear. And you, Lord, are perfect.”
I don’t know what your weight is. What your deepest hurt, desire, or passion is. But I do know, if you keep it all inside it will crush you. That weight is too heavy to carry alone. Whether it is reading the Word, crying out to God, journaling, writing song lyrics down (like pictured below Reckless Love by Cory Asbury) or venting with trusted ones- you have to get it out.