I’ve been wondering lately why this waiting part of the adoption is so tough. Chase thinks this is the easiest part but this by far is the hardest part for me. The adoption journey is basically choose an agency, orientation, applications, get approved for adoption, mountains of paperwork, several trainings, more paperwork, home studies, approval for birth mom matching, then wait.
There really isn’t a word to describe the waiting. Nothing is happening. I can’t be filling out paperwork or watching training videos. There’s nothing left to be scheduled, no more things to check off a list. Having the days go by, now totaling seven months, with no birth mom match. There are days where I physically feel like the wait is eating me from the inside out. I’m sure God is working this out, orchestrating our journey just how he wants it to be, but I can’t see that. It’s trust.
Currently there is time passing by and an ever so quiet God.
Writing this out, I am coming to the conclusion that this is why the wait has been so difficult. God has never been this quiet before. I have never felt so distant from him. Truly wondering what the heck he is up to and when in the world he is going to show me the outcome of this.
I hear him say “trust” every time I am quiet. Trust.
I’ve debated on how to write this post. I’ve started it, deleted, and started again. But the biggest take away I want to communicate is to press in a little bit more, dig into Him a little bit deeper and whatever you do, do not stop believing.
So many times I have asked him to help my unbelief. (See Help My Unbelief) I have wanted to shut him out, but the more I confess my unbelief, the more I find myself sprinting to His truth. I am blasting worship music all the time. I find myself in the Word more than I have been in so long. I’m writing. I am thanking him for things I can’t see. Telling him (and myself) that he is good.
He is so quiet right now. I am so desperate to see what he is up to. But the longing to be on the other side of this season is just crashing me deeper and deeper into truth. As if he is being quiet just so I keep learning more and more about him and myself.
I know he needs me to see him in a new way and to keep learning through the pain. I would love so much to be able to FaceTime him really quick and get an update. Have him clue me in and tell me to hold on just a tad bit longer. Oh, what I would give to be able to hear his voice.
But until that day, I’ll keep digging in a little deeper.