The War Within

IMG_2771I can see its face.
I can feel its presence.
Five years later I can’t escape it.
I want so badly to move on but it finds its way back to me.

I see black.
I wake up knowing we are done with any future pregnancies.
I see black again.
And again.

Darkness was the night.
But God, you shone ever so brightly still.
Failing kidney function.
Heart syndrome.
Four pounds.
An enemy wanting nothing but to finally win.

You stood there.
In control of chaos.
In control of my life.
In control of Emry.

Your feet ever so firm, your voice ever so gentle, your presence ever so known.
The impossible is no match for you.

You make the enemy tremble.
By just saying your name.

January thirteenth it plays again and again.
I want to escape it but today I’m embracing it.
You knit me. Called me. Know me. And chose me.
Your fingerprints are in all of my unknowns.

I need your strength to carry me along my way.
Thank you for meeting me every step of the day.

Your artwork is staring me in the face as we speak.
Every slobbery kiss a love letter on my cheek.

3 thoughts on “The War Within

  1. Wow! This is beautifully written. It’s a Psalm of lament that shifts to a Psalm of praise.
    I’m praying for you as you go through the adoption process. May God continue to be near and lift you up.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The night of January 13, 2015 was definitely a long night, but the early morning phone call from your Dad saying joy comes in the morning was so true. God truly brought joy and light from the darkness❣️ Thank You Lord that You are a miracle working God❣️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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