This post has been marinating this week.
After having a panic attack on Saturday, I really felt the Lord wanting me to have some clarity in the root of why.
I wish I could say this was one of my firsts. Even though it isn’t, it did feel different than the previous ones. I felt God grabbing my attention.
The night before, Chase and I had decided not to start our next adoption until our son had matured a little bit more. With his drug exposure, there are areas where he is still very much like a newborn even though he is thirteen months old.
I totally agreed. Having another baby in the next year or two sounds very overwhelming since we still aren’t sleeping through the night currently.
I agreed, I was fine, it wasn’t even an argument. It made sense to wait. I was fine.
Until, I wasn’t.
A platter of shame and guilt and responsibility were served to me the day I found out I was risking double kidney transplants if I ever had another pregnancy.
And in moments of complete emotional exhaustion, I taste them all over again.
I was cleaning my room a couple days later, and heard “Shame is your root of anxiety.” Over and over again those words played in my head.
Honestly, I would have thought it would be control. God is/has done things that quite frankly I haven’t agreed with. So yeah, control would make sense to me. You can ask Chase. If I have a plan, I do not handle it changing very well..
But, no, I heard shame.
And then I heard why.
Playing back what I “can’t do” instead of repeating what God HAS DONE and IS DOING, has set my mind in a spiral of complete crap. (I don’t even know what other word to use for it..)
Getting the attention off of me- and onto HIM- is the only recipe for freedom.
I think God is cleansing His people. Getting rid of junk that serves no purpose- for ourselves and for His Kingdom. Exposing lies so he can cover us in His truth.
It’s not pretty- but it’s purposeful.
I’ll end this post with these words that really set me straight when I am struggling:
“When you pray, “God, make a way.” You don’t get to define the way God makes.”- Steven Furtick
I need to pull a Posty, and tattoo that on my face.